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 Leo Oberon's beginning part 1

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Leo Oberon

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Posts : 8
Join date : 2013-02-01
Age : 21
Location : Mesquite,Texas

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Town:

PostSubject: Leo Oberon's beginning part 1    Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:02 am

On a cold winter night where the wind could cut trough you like a dagger a mother lied dead,and a child born into the new world.Leo was born that day his father became depressed the day of the birth.Years passed as Leo's father and two brothers blamed the death of there mother on him.Leo did the chores and the cooking.He slept in the basement where the spiders and the mice where his only friends.Leo did not know what he did wrong for he was too young to realize.As Leo grew so did his desire to see the outside world.On his birthday that he became 15,knowing that no one would be up because his family did not care about his birthday he ran to the king and queen of Dragon Stone.He sunk past guards to the royal chambers of King Karatag and Queen Alice.He knelt before them.The King and Queen where shocked that a child had gotten in.But they called for no guards.

Karatag spoke with a stiff voice,"Elvish boy! What makes you think I should not call for my guards and make them hang you?"
"M...m...my L..Lord I w..wan--" Leo is cut off by Karatag.
"What is wrong child are you afraid of me?Speak!" Karatag's voice boomed in the room.
"Karatag!Stop being so mean to the child!" Alice snapped at him."Young blonde child what do you seek?" Alice spoke as she covered Leo with a robe.
"I wish to be a royal guard and to be away from my dreadful family." Leo whispered into her ear.
"Well.Elf.I first must be decided by my husband and then you may." Alice spoke softly to comfort Leo.Leo looked at Karatag and spoke with confidence,"My Lord I wish to be apart of the guards."
"Bah ha ha!You a guard?!That is to funny!If so prove your self!TREVOR COME IN HERE YOU HAVE TO BEAT THIS BOY THAT IS THE SAME AGE AS YOU!" Karatag spoke.
A child entered the room.His hair long and dark.He spoke with a firm voice,"You want me to beat this child.As you wish my Lord."

((More to come soon!))
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Posts : 97
Join date : 2012-12-02

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Character Name: Rhageth Stellhorn
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PostSubject: Review   Tue Feb 05, 2013 6:53 pm

This has a pretty good story, but there are some inconsistencies. Dragon Stone, which is a town you made up that is off in some faraway land or something and that's fine but I don't see how it would have a King and Queen. Kings rule over large Kingdoms with many villages, I would suggested changing it to Lord and Lady or something like that. The second thing is that you snuck passed several guards who seem to be Royal guards. I would suggest either changing that part to getting caught and presented before the Lord, or making a different story for that part. Also, I doubt an Elf would be able to become a Royal Guard for a Human King. So, if you could rewrite this with those changes that would be great!
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Confessor_Tom

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Posts : 131
Join date : 2013-01-08
Location : England, UK

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Character Name: People call him "Varg"
Town: He walks until he feels tired

PostSubject: Re: Leo Oberon's beginning part 1    Tue Feb 05, 2013 6:58 pm

I completely agree with Damn's points if also you take care in the grammar and spelling of these edited profile as nothing pisses on a fantastic story than for it to be riddled with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors
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Leo Oberon

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Age : 21
Location : Mesquite,Texas

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PostSubject: re Leo Oberon's beinning part 1   Tue Feb 05, 2013 10:14 pm

Okay it will be done thanks for the support!
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